SEX AND TEENS
What teens are thinking about sex
November 19, 2009
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Andrea Gordon
FAMILY ISSUES REPORTER
What makes a 'player'? Take the quiz
If you had sex with someone for the first time, the next day you would:
a) Check to see if they called.
b) Call to talk about where we should go from here.
c) Forget about it and go on with my day.
d) Get to work on securing the next hookup.
Someone asks if you want to come to their house at 3 a.m. You:
a) Ask them politely why not 3 p.m.
b) Tell them I already have plans with my pillow and sheets.
c) Tell them I'll stop by if I'm still awake.
d) Go. Next question.
At a party you make out with someone you're really attracted to. At the end of the night they don't ask for your number, so you:
a) Ask for their number.
b) Find my friends to vent about what a jerk that person is.
c) Shrug and look for someone else to talk to.
d) I probably walked away first.
Someone from your town whose profile pic is pretty hot messages you, "What's up sexy? What/who do you do for fun?" You respond:
a) I really like ice cream and action movies, what about you?
b) Respond? I deleted the message.
c) Hey back, cute stranger. I do who/what suits me at the time. You?
d) Hey, sexy. Are you free, like, right now? (Then I search their profile to see if they have any hot friends.)
You
met someone at a family function. You talk on the phone, then decide to
go on a date. They suggest their house, Friday at 9 p.m. You reply:
a) Sure, we can go back to your house after we do something else first.
b) No thanks, I have an early morning Saturday; what about 5 p.m.?
c) Cool. Are your parents going to be home or at least asleep?
d) Let's make it 11 p.m. I have another date first.
Which did you circle the most? Check below to see what this might mean.
You answered mostly:
a)
It seems like you're more interested in a committed relationship than
you are in just-for-fun random acts. You may also find that you have
trouble expressing this to other people, for fear of coming across as
too needy. Your player card needs to be revoked before you hurt someone
or yourself.
b) You're not interested in casual hookups at all,
but you don't even need to see that in writing – you already know this
about yourself. You're not a player.
c) You're not technically
a player, but you don't mind hooking up with one or tinkering with the
title yourself every so often. Nobody is going to break your heart or
sweep you off your feet anytime soon. For that reason, you don't get a
player card, but you certainly have a season pass to all of the games.
d) Erase, replace, embrace a new face. You love them, leave them and don't flinch. No arguments here – you are a player.
This
is an edited version of a quiz from Laid: Young People's Experiences
with Sex in an Easy-Access Culture, edited by Shannon Boodram.
Olivia Boodram was floored the first time she logged onto her daughter Shannon's website.
She began reading about the track meet in Hungary where Shannon competed at age 16. By the time Olivia finished scrolling down, she knew every detail about how the teenager had lost her virginity.
Olivia, 50, is a nurse who talked to her two girls about sex. She and her husband figured they were in the loop. But reading the particulars online three years after the fact was more than she could handle.
"I was absolutely shocked. I refused to read anything else. It's taken me a long time to come around."
Now that Shannon's website has become a book, the Pickering mother understands. That first sexual encounter and others that followed had left the girl embarrassed, confused and trapped in unsatisfying behaviour. Shannon wanted to know if her peers felt the same.
The website elicited thousands of their stories. The result is Laid: Young People's Experiences with Sex in An Easy-Access Culture, a handbook that deals with important truths kids aren't learning from parents or sex ed classes.
Because of teen posturing and insecurity, they aren't even learning it in frank discussions with each other, says Shannon, now 24.
The essays and poems from 40 contributors, age 18 to 25, are "raw, honest, steamy, scary, inspiring, and exciting," she writes.
They delve into topics like empty hookups, date rape, abstinence and how to say no – even if you're experienced.
Boodram got the most submissions for the chapter called "Hookups that fell down." Her conclusion after reading the onslaught: a hookup "is nothing more than settling," often by kids who think everybody else is doing it. It is "the microwaveable burrito of sex," she writes.
Equally important is a chapter on sexual pleasure and what makes a satisfying sexual relationship.
To Olivia, it's also book for parents and teachers that reveals how today's teens behave, what they worry about and is a springboard for critical discussions.
"It gives an opportunity to reflect back as a parent and remember, and to talk about (sexuality), especially the personal, emotional side."
Shannon, a freelance journalist and host of the cable show High School Rush, says too many girls buy into the kind of sexuality glamourized by a Girls Gone Wild culture the way she did. They know about "friends with benefits" and sex bracelets, colourful jelly bracelets that may signal a willingness to perform a certain sex act based on their colour. They think of sex as something to give a guy pleasure.
"But sexuality is for yourself, not something you give out to satisfy someone else," she says.
Shannon wants her book to send teens a strong message that sex is not a one-size-fits-all format, to choose carefully and be confident and proud of their sexuality, whether they do nothing or everything.
Laid is a welcome addition in a society that's "voyeuristic and alarmist" about teens and sex, says Josey Vogels, sex columnist and educator.
"What's often lacking is the voice of young people themselves."
But in the book they express themselves without judgment, self-censorship or worrying about adult reactions.
It also shows that even in an easy-access culture with information at their fingertips, teens aren't as sophisticated as adults may think. The basic impulses, anxieties and risks are still the same.
Olivia Boodram says "the light bulb went on" for her when Shannon's book came out. "I told her, `You're like a trailblazer and I'm so proud of you for that.'"
Shannon says the exercise has been great for their relationship.
"Now me and my mom have these honest discussions and that's one of the best things to come out of this."
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